Aimseed@Gaia

Everything i do, everything i do for people, everytime i care about someone, put all my effort into making them happy, i get hardly anything in return, hardly any credit.

the shit i have to put up with at home, my parents constently nagging me every single day to move out, my brothers and sisters who have no respect for my things, the amount of days i sit crying over the fact i feel like im being shoved out of the family, an outcast from the rest. but then if they ask me to go anything for any of them id go out of my way to see them happy and for them to thank me, but thats what i get in return. the days i spend locked in my room to stop myself from having a bitter argument with them, even when i have done nothing wrong but its still my fault, and all of them ganging up on me together making me feel so worthless. yet id do anything for them. they are family after all.

the shit i have to put up with at work, working hard to get myself money to live. yet i get treated like im on the bottom of someones shoe. i get treated because im young, i know nothing im very dumb and stupid. the way i look i get told to change, the way i talk i get told to change and my manager who is two years older than me talks to me as if we hasnt seen contact with a human being in his life, he is a social retard. and his nagging little assistants ill call them, they just bitch about everyone and threaten the rest of the staff. and i work here feeling phyisically sick going in for shit wage, shit money, shit days.

and theres the last thing, the thing which has been bugging me forever. sitting up and not leaving the house waiting for you to come online or txt me, waiting one hour sucks enough, waiting 2-5 hours okay wtf is going on, waiting 8-10 fucking hours, for you to come back and say you’ve been out or something, why couldnt you have txt me to tell me you were going to be gone instead of me racking my brain into whats wrong. this happens every other night now, do you have no respect me for me at all? do you really think i dont sit and wait for you, because i do, and then if my mind wanders off waiting for you, i feel guilty incase i missed you, but im now at the stage where i know i havent missed you because its not what i expect from you. id give anything for you, defend you through anything/anyone and i do this weekly, i defend you so bad. and i feel like now im getting nothing in return, not even you in person. i feel like theres no point in trying anymore because no-one not one person seems to give a shit about me anymore.

my friends, so called friends, ones who stab me in the back, call me a whore, or only want to hang out with me when they have nothing better to do. you guys are the worst because now im left with almost nothing. whenever i want to run away and see someone for a cuddle, i have absolutly no-one to turn to anymore. i have about 2 friends and one works alot and the other lives in another country. its bollocks, complete bollocks.

and for each and everyone of you, id do anything for, id work hard for, id die for. and i get shit all in return, except from the fact before i sleep everynight i sit and think ‘right tomorrow im going away, to another country’ but i just cant. and everynight im challanging myself to just fuck you all off and be lonely, sit locked up in my room, or go to the other side of the world and be lonely, because tbh im used to it now. and all the times ive cried, wept and broke down over any of you, none of you really show any compassion, and if you do have compassion you are so shit at showing it that i cant believe it.
sometimes i ask myself why i bother and i sit and cry and wonder if one day someone amazing will come and take me away and by amazing i mean a friend who will always be there for me always be around when i need them, let me know they are safe, not ignoring me or only thinking of themselves, and someone who actually would go out of their way for me for once, and when i find this person ill genuinly be happy and can rip my ‘happy mask’ off. and the amount of shit i do have to put up with you guys dont even understand and when you finally realise you will realise how fucking brave and strong i really am for not topping myself yet.

one day hopefully.
but for now.
im literally breaking down and none of you lot can see it, the most you push me the closer i get to just fucking off.
goodnight.
sorry for being emo, but i have to vent off somewhere dont i?